well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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