Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just tell him i said nine months
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
