Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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