Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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