Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
