did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I think your dad took our porno
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
