The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
