As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
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I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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