Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
