I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
