I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There r osticjed everywhere
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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