I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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