the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
