Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
