I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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