it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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