twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
