I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
where are you?
Hypothermia
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
