im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
