I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
