I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
