I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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