If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
