I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
