so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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