I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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