Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
