i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
