I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
