You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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