There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
