I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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