i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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