I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well I just put wine in my tea
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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