Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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