Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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