you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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