we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
