wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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