so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
