Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
