I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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