Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
