You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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