There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
