Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
