She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
