what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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