3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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