can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
