what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
