Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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