why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
