Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
