What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
