I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
