he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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