Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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