WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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