a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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