is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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