my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
